I’ve tried so many times for so many reasons to be someone other than myself. Growing up I was bullied…a lot. It made me angry, sad, confused; numerous emotions clouded and controlled my judgment. One day I finally stood up to one of my bullies and when I did, it released a feeling of power that I never felt before and I relished it so much that I, myself became a bully. But I wasn’t the kind of, “give me your lunch money or I’m gonna knock your teeth out” bully; I was a bully with a conscience if such a thing exists. However, being a bully wasn’t who I really was, it was just an identity I lost myself in to mask the pain and helplessness I really felt inside.  I still had compassion for others, which is why I said I was a conscience bully. I defended people against “mean girls”, jerky jocks, and other bullies who thought they were “badder” and tougher than me; in other words, I bullied the bullies. I understood how it felt to be harassed, teased and made to feel less than so I refused to allow such treatment when I was around. Now, I admit there were times when I just didn’t like someone for whatever reason, so I would make their life a little hellish, but that was few and far in between. Eventually, I walked away from bullying, but not pretending…

When I was a teenager my friends were boy magnets, but not me. While they attracted boys, I repelled them. Their boyfriends would do anything for them and in return, my friends would lie to them and treat them like crap. Oftentimes their boyfriends would turn to me for advice about how to make things better or get my friends to like them more. I remember wishing I could have that type of effect on boys, that they would be that ga-ga, goo-goo over me. So, I got to thinking, if I acted like a witch and treated men like dirt then maybe they would like me too, I even took it a step further by thinking if I started acting like a witch towards everyone, I could protect myself from being hurt. So I tried and got lost in the concept for a brief time, but I couldn’t stay true to this icy cold persona I had created because once again I was pretending…

Then I became a Christian and I tried my best to be less of me; less boisterous, less talkative, less assertive. I guess I just wanted to convince everyone I had really changed, to disassociate my new self from the person they had all come to know as a loud-talking, sassy-tongued, opinionated, spirited around the way girl…at least that’s what I thought I needed to do. But one day when I was washing dishes, I heard a clear voice say, “Stop being who you’re not and be the person I made you to be”. I instantly knew who the voice belonged to and what He was talking about. My response was, “So I can still be me?

“Yes.”

“Okay. Thank you, Lord.” I have to tell you, after that quick conversation, I immediately felt like a ton of bricks had been removed from my shoulders.

You see, when I became a Christian, I didn’t know I could still be myself. I had this misconception that Christians had to undergo a personality makeover. My personality didn’t hinder my relationship with God nor did it hinder my ability to communicate God’s love to others. In fact, my colorful personality was an intentional design because it enabled me and still enables me to speak to individuals and groups in any setting at any time; something not everyone can do.

From that day forward I stopped suppressing my laughter when I found something funny, I stopped ignoring people’s rude or ridiculous behavior and comments and called them out on it, I stopped withholding my feelings and thoughts out of fear of being unpopular or disliked and shared them aloud; I just allowed myself to be…me.